Thursday, December 20, 2007

Well Said, Hertzel!

From today's Times West Virginian:

25 reasons life is worse in Michigan
By Bob Hertzel
For the Times West Virginian

MORGANTOWN — I know, we here in West Virginia get offended when outsiders start throwing the stereotypes at us about going barefoot and being uneducated, but we just sort of grin that toothless grin of ours and take it.After all, that does mean there are two things they can’t say to us:

  • If the shoe was on the other foot …
  • What you don’t know can’t hurt you …
You grow a tough skin when all those barbs are being hurled at you, especially when you can’t shoot back at all.

Ah, but now our moment has arrived.

See, Michigan has taken our basketball coach. Michigan has taken our football coach.

It’s time to question how in the world they can see Michigan as being better than West Virginia. In fact, here’s 25 reasons why Rich Rodriguez will find out that the smog is always thicker on the other side of the fence.
  1. He has to root for the Lions, not the Steelers.
  2. Driving in Michigan makes a Morgantown traffic jam look like open road.
  3. The state empties out in the spring as all the snowbirds go to Florida.
  4. Summer runs from June 21 to July 6.
  5. He’s going to have to spend half his coaching time teaching his players how many time outs you get per half. Call that a subtle Chris Webber reference.
  6. He won’t be allowed to change the helmet.
  7. Beating Michigan State isn’t as easy as beating Marshall.
  8. The stadium is called “The Big House,” which sounds like a title to an old James Cagney gangster movie. Seeing it up close and personal you know it should be called “The Big Dump.”
  9. Two state policemen won’t be enough to protect him if he loses to Ohio State.
  10. He won’t be the first Michigan football coach to use a “hurry up” offense. Fielding “Hurry Up” Yost’s Michigan teams played so fast and scored so fast they earned the nickname of “Point A Minute.” In his first season at Michigan, they outscored opponents 555-0 and in his first five seasons under Yost they outscored opponents 2,812 to 42. Try matching that.
  11. He won’t be the first West Virginian to use a “Hurry Up” offense. Yost is a native of Fairview.
  12. It’s hard to find spangled women’s clothes in Michigan’s best shops.
  13. A block M is only a block W knocked upside down.
  14. Does Nike make snowshoes?
  15. How do you tell a team not to celebrate and showboat at a school that produced Desmond Howard and his famous “Heisman Trophy” end zone celebration?
  16. Talk radio is a little rougher on you than Tony Caridi, Greg Hunter and Travis Jones.
  17. No more driving Mercedes-Benz. It’s Ford or General Motors. He’ll just have to settle on a Cadillac.
  18. No one ever wrote a book entitled “303 Reasons Why I Hate West Virginia and You Should, Too” like Paul Finebaum did about Michigan.
  19. The Michigan academia will correct him when he uses his favorite word “irregardless”. What he really means when he says that is “regardless” or “irrespective.”
  20. If he’s smart he won’t recruit Flint, Mich., even though it does produce good athletes. Flint, you see, was rated “the third most dangerous city in the United States in 2006.”
  21. Don’t know where Detroit ranks on that most dangerous list but Bill Simmons of ESPN once wrote that he was glad the Super Bowl was in Detroit because “I always wondered what it would be like to get shot.”
  22. He’ll get to know filmmaker Michael Moore personally.
  23. Some wise guy (that would be me) is going to write the story of his defection through Motown titles. To wit: • Basketball coach John Beilein says goodbye to Rodriguez as he leaves for Michigan: “Someday, We’ll Be Together” (The Supremes) • The rumors begin: “I Heard It On The Grapevine” (Marvin Gaye) • The rumors get louder: “What’s Going On?” (Marvin Gaye) • Rodriguez gets an offer, then talks to WVU officials: “Shop Around” (The Miracles) • West Virginia asks Rodriguez not to leave: “Stop In The Name of Love” (The Supremes) • Rodriguez thinks the offer over as Michigan awaits an answer: “You Keep Me Hanging On” (Diana Ross) • Athletic director Ed Pastilong learns Rodriguez has decided to go to Michigan: “Don’t Leave Me This Way” (Thelma Houston) • Rodriguez tells Michigan he accepts their offer: “Let’s Get It On” (Marvin Gaye) • Michigan says fine, but you have to beat Ohio State: “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” (Diana Ross) • Ed Pastilong laments: “Where Did Our Love Go?” (The Supremes) • Rodriguez flies to Michigan: “End of the Line” (Boyz II Men) • And then the final chapter, Rodriguez loses to Ohio State and has to catch “The Midnight Train to Georgia” (Gladys Knight and the Pips)
  24. There will be no statue of him built outside Mountaineer Field at Milan Puskar Stadium.
  25. He’ll never get to play Pitt again.

No comments: